I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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