ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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