Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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