Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
