"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
