Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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