This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
