i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
