My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
