The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Randomize
