this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
