I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Randomize
