I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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