Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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