My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
