if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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