Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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