Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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