Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
