I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
