I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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