I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
