At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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