This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
