I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
