Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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