Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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