nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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