I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
