The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
