A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
