i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
