I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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