Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
