Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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