A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
