Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
