And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
