i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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