I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
