The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
