so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just pee around me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
