I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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