grandma shit on top of the toilet
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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