i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
