Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
