that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
