who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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