Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
