my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
