I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
